For those of you who haven’t read my ‘Throwing Keys’ story….now would be a good time. Visit the ‘Stories’ page on my website then come back and read this when you’re done!
When you’re casually dating…..the absolute quickest way to heartbreak and disaster is through drugs and alcohol. I know it’s fun to go out and be social, but indulgence coupled with chemistry is a bomb waiting to explode. Trust me when I tell you….it will take you longer than you think to recover from this explosion, and even then, the underlying trauma could last a lifetime.
First of all drugs and alcohol heighten your senses, break down your inhibitions, give you courage, and make you feel adventurous. Mix all that with a hot guy you’re totally attracted to and BAM!….you’re being driven back to your car the next morning with your panties in your purse…. and suddenly you realize the guy never even asked for your number. Ouch. I know many of you will agree….there’s nothing worse than a moral hangover when you’re hung over.
Again, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have fun, just take it easy. Reserve those ‘big’ nights for when you’re out with your friends, and make sure you’re friends have your back. It’s always a good idea to have a little chit chat amongst the group before you head out for the evening. You need to have a game plan, need to know what everyone’s limitations are, have contingency plans, and know when to pull someone out of a ‘situation’. Never leave a woman behind girls….it’s up to the group to be the voice of reason when a friend is on the edge.
Wow! This topic has been quite controversial since I spoke about it in my blog ‘Dating is Like Baseball’. As you can guess….women love it, men hate it. So let’s break it down….
Listen guys….you’ve been allowed to date multiple women at the same time for centuries….and no one has said a word about it. Now women are doing the same and suddenly it’s a problem? Ok then. If we stop…will you?? I didn’t think so.
The dating game has changed and it’s time for all you fabulous women to get with the new program. I realize it may still be somewhat socially unacceptable for women to date more than one guy at a time – but it won’t be for long. We’re blazing the trail! Like I say on my home page…..time to become a part of the dating revolution!
Let’s be honest….women have been dating multiple men for a while now – but no one talks about it. Why? Because we’ll get branded as being a ‘slut’ right? Even if you’re just ‘dating’ multiple men….everyone assumes you’re having sex with them all. Why? Because society deems it normal for two people who are ‘dating’ to have sex within a few dates – and ‘most’ men won’t continue casually dating a woman for long unless there’s sex involved. Two strikes against us.
I’m in no way shape or form telling you to go out and sleep around….sex is a very personal decision only you can make, and only you will know how it makes you feel. I promise you can successfully date more than one man at a time without sex being involved….it just takes practice. Stay tuned for my upcoming blogs on casual dating/sex….I’m no holds barred on this topic!
So let’s get back to The Bench. As I stated before in my ‘Dating is Like Baseball’ blog, your bench of players should include a nice variety of men. Do you remember why? Because when you’re casually dating the absolute worst thing you can do is date one guy at a time. Let me expand….
So you’re casually dating (‘practicing’ if you will), and you’ve got a nice guy you enjoy spending time with. You know he’s probably not your ‘forever’ guy but the two of you have fun together so you continue accepting his invitations. Then after you’ve been dating for a few weeks, suddenly one Saturday night he doesn’t ask you out. And you’re wondering ‘why didn’t he ask me out for this Saturday?....we always go out on Saturday’. Suddenly the seed has been planted….and the hurricane of analysis ensues (I know you know what I’m talking about so don’t even pretend to act like you don’t….).
You begin analyzing why he didn’t call, why he didn’t ask you out, what you did to scare him away, maybe you should have slept with him, wondering who else he’s dating, etc., etc. and suddenly you’re obsessing about a guy you already knew wasn’t right for you! Why? Because we secretly think every guy we date has the potential to be ‘the one’, or if we’re being honest….most of us hope he might be.
This is why The Bench is sooooo important! Having a bench of men to date will keep you from focusing on just one. If one doesn’t call, another one will. And if those two don’t call, you’ve got a third to call. And if none of them call, and you don’t feel like calling them, then hit the town with your friends and get some new numbers!
The goal of casual dating is to get to know yourself, get to know men, have fun, focus on your career, etc., but if you get sidetracked by one man in particular you’re screwed. The minute you find yourself focusing on one man you instinctively know isn’t right for you; it’s time to fill up The Bench.
Continuing on with my 'dating is like sports' theme....let's chat about practicing!
Any professional sportsman will tell you games are won on the practice field. You can’t expect to kick the winning field goal without kicking a few outside the goal post first, and that’s what you’re gearing up to do now…..kick a few outside the post.
What do I mean by that? I mean go on as many dates as you possibly can. Date as many different types of guys as you can. Date men of different ages, races, backgrounds, etc. Go as many places as you can. Be open to do whatever, whenever; and always say ‘yes’ when someone asks you out…..even if you know he’s not the guy for you. This is a must!
You have to let go of your ‘type’ in order to really practice dating. But guess what….the guys that aren’t your ‘type’ end up being the most fun! Sure there’s always a risk to stepping outside your comfort zone…you’ll regret going out with this guy or that guy, you’ll make mistakes, you’ll fumble the ball, but that’s what you’re supposed to be doing remember! You’re on the practice field!
Have you ever been country dancing? Well I have….and I am really good at it. Want to know why? When we were in our twenties my girlfriends and I used to go to The Stampede every Wednesday without fail….and any time ANYONE asked me to dance, I said YES! I stumbled around at first, and it took me a while to build up my courage, but eventually I was being tossed and turned, flipped and spun around like I’d been doing it my whole life. It was sooooooo much fun and I met some amazing men!! Did I enter into any relationships with those guys? No. Ok well maybe one. Did I have the time of my life? Yes!!! And it’s a skill I will have forever.
Casual dating is the perfect practice field – it’s where you learn about yourself and about men. Now is the time for you to get out there, make mistakes, get your heart broken, break some hearts, but always learn the lesson and move on. The more you do it the better you’ll be at it, and you’ll walk away from every date knowing yourself, and men, a little better.
Learning to treat dating like a game of baseball takes skill and practice, and one of the most important skills to have is a positive and fun attitude. You wouldn’t see a major leaguer calling in sick for a game or passing off plays to someone else just because he doesn’t feel like playing would you? If you don’t have a good attitude, you will wind up bitter, sad, hopeless, and at home…..jealous of all your other friends out there having fun playing the field!
So it’s Friday night and you have no plans for the weekend. You’re already feeling sad and depressed; no one has asked you out, etc…..what should you do? Get on the field and go to practice - which is exactly what any person in training would do. You may not know the first thing about how to go to practice but it’s really simple….do something! Call up some friends, see what your work friends are up to, Facebook the cute guy from the gym and see what he’s up to, for that matter Facebook several guys because you never know which one might be free!, check the web for any possible events going on in town, plan an impromptu get together at your favorite happy hour spot and send out a mass message to everyone, go to the grocery store and pick out food to cook for the weekend, go to the gym, curl up at your local coffee shop with your Kindle, go see that movie you’ve been wanting to see, clean out a closet, take the dogs for a long walk, get a sitter and go get a mani/pedi, whatever it is – just do something and keep yourself busy! And whether you have to do it alone or not…enjoy it! In fact…learn to love being alone during in this time of your life because you will get so many gifts and truly get to know yourself so much better!
Part of being successful at dating, is living life to the fullest in every other aspect as well. You may be asking yourself – how is cooking dinner for myself on a Friday night going to help my dating life? Well…for one you might meet someone at the grocery store so make sure you look cute shopping. Two, making yourself feel valued will boost your confidence. Three, making the choice to stay home on a Friday night and cook for yourself is very empowering. Four, making yourself a home cooked meal will keep you from feeling guilty for ordering takeout again. Are you getting my drift? Every single choice you make will have a direct impact on your dating life!
Time to get your head in the game and stop being a spectator watching other people live the life you want to live. Wouldn’t you rather be AT the game than at home watching it on TV?
So I’ve given you several tips to get started….share with me and others what your struggles and fears are about casually dating and starting your training warm up!
The next step in your dating spring training warm up is to do a quick assessment and review the roster for the best players and coaches. The ‘players’ are the men you’ll be dating, and the ‘coaches’ are the friends who’ll be supporting you along the way.
Since you now have the ‘date like a guy’ mentality….you’re ready to start building your bench! Your bench of players should include a nice variety of men because when you’re casually dating the worst thing you can do is date one guy at a time (look forward to my upcoming blog ‘The Bench’). You need to have a ‘bench’ of guys to date, always keep the bench fresh with new players, and don’t let anyone stay on the bench for longer than 3 months or so. You can of course have your star players but keep your eye on the ball and don’t forget you’re just having fun!! Dating a ‘bench’ of guys takes some practice and some getting used to – but you’re a fun, fearless woman who is having a blast! The bench is not designed for you to be deceitful or toy with men; it’s more designed to keep you from focusing on just one. Again….you’re dating like a guy remember? Guys are masters at dating more than one woman at a time, their intention is not to purposefully hurt anyone, and they don’t get emotionally involved with any of them until they are ready to settle down. Now if you find a nice guy and the two of you decide you want to date exclusively…then go for it if you are ready! But if you’re not….remember the 3 month rule and keep the bench fresh! Each casual relationship should begin with excitement and should end with excitement! I can honestly say this is the most effective tip I’ll give you for casual dating success. It really works!!! Thanks to my BFF Kate for coming up with the term! It fit so perfectly into the rest of my sports lingo!
Let’s chat about the coaches now…..your friends. We all have many different kinds of friends…..married, married with kids, single, single with kids, divorced, divorced with kids, sporty friends, party friends, old friends and new friends. The friends you want to have coaching you during this dating time of your life are the ones who are in the dating scene just like you are. You might want to have a chat with your ‘other’ friends and let them know the stage of life you’re in and what your needs are so their feelings won’t get hurt because you’re not spending as much time with them. If they’re a good friend….they’ll understand and will probably be a little jealous! While not everyone wishes to be ‘back in the scene’ I’ll bet everyone misses the fun and excitement!!! It’s all in the way you look at it.
Dating is like baseball…..so go with it when your coaches are waving you on to 2nd base, and enjoy the fans cheering you on! There will be good plays and bad plays, celebrations and injuries – but everyone should leave the field knowing they had fun! So get up, dust yourself off, read the playbook, and get out there! Batter up! Time to make dating your favorite past time!
Summer is here! The weather is warmer, the days are longer, and we're out in the evenings and on the and weekends socializing with friends.
As you begin your All Star dating season...I suggest starting slow. In order to casually date successfully, you need to give yourself time to warm up to the idea and mentally prepare. For example, if you're coming off a break up - make sure you've given yourself enough time to heal before venturing onto the dating playing field. If you're single, you may want to reflect on past dating relationships and look for any patterns of behavior to avoid. By the way I'm talking about your behaviors...not his.
Either way, start thinking about what kind of guys you want to date and research where they hang out. Having your playbook ready and full of activity ideas is critical to a successful dating season. You need to have a plan, know what events are going on in your city, know where the hot spots are, and have your team in place (we'll talk about this in next weeks' blog).
I'm so excited to post my first blog series...I hope you'll find it fun! I have this theory dating is a lot like sports, and many of the techniques and terminologies used in baseball, football, basketball, etc… can be translated into useful tools when you’re dating! As we go through the seasons I’ll show you how to prepare and practice weekly so you feel inspired to get out there and get your game on! No ladies….I won’t be showing you how to snag that hot guy at the club away from his girlfriend……but I will show you how to always have a winning dating season!
Like America's favorite past time, baseball, dating is a game too; a game that takes practice. And since baseball season is well upon us, what better time to kick off your dating game than with a quick warm up? As your dating coach I'll take the casual dating techniques I find most helpful and outline them for you each week throughout the rest of the baseball season. So grab your gear girls and let's get on the field!